Wednesday, April 22, 2009

and He met me where I stood...

Monday arrived, and I knew it was time for me to face the "demons".

Thank God, I did not have to see my attacker but I did have to go back to work. I had already submitted my notice, so in reality I could have taken my keys to corporate and walked away. The thought of packing it up crossed my mind a thousands times. On Saturday, I didn't get ot of bed at all. I wanted to sleep, process, and be depressed.

But I built I bridge with my employer and my friends there, that I didn't want to burn down or at least not yet anyway. On my commute, filled with a lot of traffic, I was angry. Filled with unbelievable rage. I was not sure I was going to be able to defeat the task. I was trying to replay in my mind the conversation I had with my parents in which I my strength was challenged. Reverse psychology always works, right? Then as if she and I were on the same wave length, my new boss emailed me words of encouragement. (Luckily, I have a blackberry so I could read the email on my commute.) I arrived at my destination, determined that my attacker would not have reign over me. I wouldn't let him distroy the strength in me that had taken years to rebuild.

At work, my assistant was there before I. She, too, knew I was walking through the doors for the first time since the attack. I cried in the parking lot, afraid. But then I decided "to hell with him". I prayed for strength, which God provided. I walked through the doors. Stood mostly in the front of my store, and then I walked to my office/ stockroom where the attack happened.

The tears burned my eyes. But I had done it. I had gone to where I was attacked. God met me there, too. I could fill His presence, literally holding me. I could fill Him filling the part of me that had been taken with something new. I am not broken, because He has healed me.

Each time I cross the threshold into my office, I picture what happened to me. And I am sickened. I know what happened occured for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is.

I do know, that I will talk about my case to all who will listen. Sexual offenders are out there in the forms of men and women who will attack you at work, in the park, anywhere and even worse those that attack our children. I hadn't decided whether I was going to be a speech therapist or child phychologist until now. I am strong enough to pull throught his, and I will be strong enough to help someone else come out on the other side as well.

I don't know what, if anything will happen to my attacker . I do know he will attack again. I hope though that because I was strong enough to go to my employer that I have opened the door for the next victim to be strong enough as well.