Friday, April 17, 2009

The process...

I sat down this morning with my Bible, flipping without reason, in search of scripture that would help ease the anxiety. I find comfort in knowing I serve a God that without question will provide peace of mind, and carry me through this.

I look at my life before Wednesday, and can tell you the worst day of my life was the day my Uncle Harry died. I was 12 years old.

Today, I am 29 and my worst day now is April 15, 2009. The day someone forced themselves upon me. I assumed I would tell, and my predator would admit he had wronged me. It angers me beyong belief that he said was "just joking". Just joking.... I had to use force to free myself and it was never funny. It sickens me to think about.

Monday morning, I will face some of my demons. I will have to go back and walk through the doorway into my office, where the incident happened. I am not sure I am ready for that. But, if I don't go back- did he win? Do I care if he wins?

I went to Target yesterday and every male stranger that looked my way, I coward from. I was afraid. AFRAID a perfect stranger was going to hurt me. I changed out of a v neck tee 15 times before making myself wear it Scared that I was dressing to make others notice me. Because I wonder over a thousand times a day, what did I do that made my attacker assume I wanted him, wanted him to touch me. I shudder in disbelief that someone could do this.

Luckily, this incident has not altered how I interact with male friends. But very unfortunately, it has affected where I will let Brian kiss me. I am not ready to have a face or lips on the side of my face, where his lips had been. This reality is more than unfair to my husband.

My Papa, had surgery today, and normally my thoughts would be consumed with his well being, and I would have sought prayer on his behalf, and I would have found myself at his side. I do not have it in me to care. I am broken to the point that I can't give to others right now. I am never this way. He is my "Charlie" and I his "sweetie pie", but today that place I would normally give from is just not giving.

The sick son a bitch who has forever changed me has affected my relationship with the two of the most important men in my life. And for what, for a "just joking" moment, my ass.