Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Ryan Parker McCrary

Friday, May 15, 2009. Ryan and I headed to Scottish Rite for his six month check up at the craniofacial clinic. Multiple people had offered to accompany Ryan and I for this visit. I didn't see the need for anyone else to go because I had walked this path for awhile all by myself. It also gave Ryan and I a few hours to just hang out... Little did I know on the way home, I would have given my legs to have had Brian there.

Ryan and I were taken to the back after not much wait. Talked to the staff like we had been best friends forever! It always amazes me how much these guys remember about us. The nurses are wonderful because they sense my unspoken grief. They hear what I will not say: that I am afraid, that I want to take his pain, and that 7 years later it is still hard to comprehend the why. They read the pain across my face as I try yet again to be strong for little Ryan. And they are amazed at the relationship in which we have.

The first doctor on the agenda, was a new doctor. Dr. Grainger- the orthodontist. Dr. Grainger possessed such great bedside manner and comfort around us that it was hard to tell he had not been on board all along. He was amazing... Then gave us the news that we would start orthodontics next year. I thought little of this. Sounded like a great little plan to me.

Doctor after doctor they did their thing. Ryan was a very delightful patient with everyone saying they wish all patients acted like he. Then came Dr. Williams. Dr. Joseph Williams a world known plastic surgeon. Yet on this day he also turned my heart upside down...

(At birth, I was prepapred for the surgeries that we would face, upwards of 15 or more. I was also told that the cleft in Ryan's gumline would be the most difficult to repair but that this surgery was done when he was older. )

I didn't realize that when we were told that next summer we would start orthodonticts that they meant THE TIME had come. As Dr Williams sat down in our exam room which he never does. He stopped before he said anything and he winked at me (his sign of encouragement) And said without breathing "we will repair the cleft in the gum line this summer.... blah blah blah side affects blah Susan will call you.. Leslie, Leslie! you remember Susan and the drill, right?"

I heard almost every word he said but I was concentrating on deep breathing because if I didn't I was going to lose it. I moved Ryan to my lap as he asked his own questions and I prayed. When Dr Williams and his staff left the room, Ryan looked at me for signs that it was all okay. And he hugged me. Like he was telling me, it was okay... I'm not sure I am ready for this surgery. But I realized sitting there that I don't have to have faith that can get me over the mountains. I have to have faith to hold His hand and simply take the next step. God's timing is everything and he opened door after door to allow me the opportunity to serve Ryan yet again.

I question a lot of things but my ability to be a great mother is not one of them.