Friday, November 6, 2009

And the screams turned to tears..

May 5, 2002 when I first was learning of what life would like with Ryan's cleft lip and palate, I wish someone could have looked into the future and warned me. I like signs and I love structure. Where is the sign today? Not the sign that God loves me or is here for me, I know that. I can feel God holding me even as I type. Where was the sign that at the height of surgeries, my grandfather, my Papa, would be so sick.

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009, we were told that even for a cleft lip and palate patient, Ryan was unique. Dr. Thomas, who I adore, is almost at a loss for words these days when it comes to speaking about Ryan's teeth. Will he have more? Will he not? Can we save what he does have? Can we not? We are not trying to save teeth b/c we aren't brushing. Dr. Thomas assures me that we have done our part for Ryan. Hopefully, after Ryan's surgery in Dec, the 3rd surgery in nine months, we will have answers. I need answers. I need to know what to expect. I need structure. This will be Ryan's 11th cleft lip and palate related surgery and I don't recall the doctor saying he would need this many. And we aren't close to being finished.

Two of my favorite boys are hurting and I don't know how to help them. My Papa's cancer is not getting any better and the daily news is not looking up. I received an email forward from my well intentioned mother in law talking about death and the things we would miss. SERIOUSLY. I have cried every since. The list of things I will miss about my grandfather goes on and on. But most of all, I will miss hearing him call me "sweetie pie" and pull me into those weak arms of his and kiss my forehead and utter "i love you".

I am aware that I am rambling. But my insides are flipping around. But I am grateful it hurts so much. It means I love both my boys tremendously and I would not change that for the world. I am also blessed to know that when I feel like giving up and giving in, God steps in for me and says let me do this for awhile and I let him. I am going on autopilot for awhile. God knows whats up.