Thursday, May 6, 2010

Where do I even start...

I just noticed that my last blog was about 3 1/2 months ago. Last time I blogged, we had just started going through Brian's job loss and as for the last 5 years or so my Papa was progressively worse. There's a country song that describes exactly where I have been. The first verse goes something like this:

God I'm down here on my knees
Cause it's the last place left to fall
Beggin' for another chance
If there's any chance at all
That you might still be listenin'
Lovin' and forgivin' guys like me

I have always believed in the power of prayer. But Brian's job loss, pride, and just pure suffering, brought me down to my knees. Literally. Sure this song is a love song but this verse is where I am- begging God to forgive me. I still have sins in my life that need to be realized and dealt with and pride that I need to let go! One thing I am realizing as I travel this road we are on right now is summed up in Matthew 18:20, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." It's been hard for me lately to sit through a church service, a Bible Study, a Sunday School class because of my pride and feeling like the Stainglass Masquerade the Casting Crowns sing about. The tears are overwhelming. If you see me crying in church or Bible Study,don't fret too much. God is just doing a great work within me. After hearing the voice of God urging me to gather my friends in prayer for me I did that (again for the second time asking for prayer about my pride). My girls (also another answered prayer- I felt like I didn't have enough Christain women in my life as peers and role models and WOW! God opened the flood gates!) rallied around me with encouragement and prayer. I feel like I'm on a high, one of those highs like you just came back from youth camp. It also helps that I just came back from National Day of Prayer.

I feel like I am being asked to step up to the plate and be a leader. Accepting this change, means change on every level of my life. Am I ready? I'm not sure. But God didn't say where he would call us would be easy. My urgent prayer list these days is fairly short:

- Brian (or I) need a job that would provide financial security.
- Ryan's salvation.
- Papa's health restored (even if that happens at his death as he reaches the other side.)
- Urgency on my part to heed His word and do what I am being asked to do.
- That my pride would be dealth with.
- That I would make necessary changes in my life to be a role model to others.

I am wanting to be a leader to a specific group of struggling families. I'm not sure in what capacity or what level but my burden for this has been in my heart for about 5 years. Just pray.

As it is said in Habakkuk 1:5, "Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed.For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." I know what I hope God is going to do. I just hope I'm ready.

As these changes are happening in my life, please, be in prayer. I'm down on my knees because it is the last place left to fall. But God knew before I did in Jan when he allowed Brian's job loss that he would be bringing me to my knees. He knew my unanswered prayer would change my life. Here's hoping I can accept the challenge.