Saturday, October 23, 2010

Curve Balls

I think Brian and I have "officially" decided multiple times in our marriage to try to have a baby only to find out that life had other plans. First, I decided to go back to school, then he lost his job, and then there's the present.

God isn't really saying "no" to us having children, he's just saying "go through ______" first. I thought coming off the birth control method we had been using was going to be the hard part. It wasn't. Yes, it made me crampy for several days but nothing too major. It was the cysts on both ovaries that had me doubled over in pain. And on Monday night the ruptured cyst that had be begging God to take me HOME. Luckily, he doesn't answer all prayers. So I was feeling strongly that we were just not in God's time frame for us to be trying. (Have I mentioned that I have been wrong before?)

Then, I go to the doctor again this past Thursday. After the exam and ultrasound, he says to me "there's still a slim chance that you are in fact pregnant right now and that's the cause of all of your symptoms". I won't know for certain for a couple more weeks if I am pregnant. And I highly doubt that I am. Which I am PERFECTLY fine with not being pregnant. But, it was like God screamed through Dr. Phillips, "You are going to have a child. But you need to decide, Leslie, if this child isn't "perfect" by your definitions that you will trust My decision that this child is "perfect" for you".

You see I've wondered often IF I could parent "no matter what" all over again. No, my journey with Ryan hasn't been the worst journey it could be. But it's been at times a very difficult journey. It was a journey that took me, a planner, by surprise. It was a journey that without my parents and grandparents, I mostly walked ALONE. (I wish you could have seen how long it took after typing that sentence for me to start typing again.) I have God on my side, in my corner, and there are still times that I'm too scared to move. "YES!" was my answer to the Lord. Yes, I will trust you "no matter what" that You know what's best for us.

As I said, "yes" to God, Dr. Phillips said, as he was laying out our course of action over the next six weeks, what I had been praying a doctor would said to me "I know you've been building up your body's reserve of folic acid already but waiting just a bit will give your body time to store more folic acid so you can prevent birth defects like (I tuned him out right about here until he said) CLEFT LIP AND PALATE." Most doctors don't consider cleft lip and palate a nueral tube defect and don't think that folic acid aids in the prevention of cleft lip and palate but MY DOCTOR, My brand new (this visit was my first visit ever with him) doctor DID! I have no scientific proof that taking folic acid will work to prevent my fears from happening again. However, I was reminded sitting in that room of 3 very obvious facts to me: God loves me so much that he is going to hold me when I'm too scared to face how I really feel, my husband is the most incredible husband and father to ever walk the face of the earth despite how he was treated by his own dad, and I am strong enough to parent Ryan through the rest of his journey and to start a new journey with a new baby.

God knew I needed to hear a medical professional tell me there was something I could do to help my next child not go through the same journey. God knew that when I heard this, I would know that I would do MY best and if it happens again anyway that I will ROCK that journey just like I have the journey with Ryan. Because through Christ- I CAN DO ALL THINGS! Phil 4:13