Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Busyness...

I have known for 11 days that my Papa has bone cancer. I have known for 6 days that things were progessively getting worse.

Devastated. Crushed. Hurt. Angry, Mad as hell. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Sad. Broken hearted. All of these are words and expressions I have used to describe my hurt the past few days.

My grandfather is headed Home. He will be running in Heaven and playing cards on a porch with my Uncle Harry and Noah. (So shoot me. I don't know that Heaven works this way but it's how I picture where I am going when I die but where Papa will be SOON.) My anger, my tears, my hurt aren't for him. I'm not sad because he is going to Heaven. "Precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death of one of His saints. Psalms 116:15. I am certain there is a party waiting to be had for my grandfather. I am positive that as he reaches Heaven, God is going to say, "Welcome Home. Well done my good and faithful servant" How awesome is that! How amazing!. It puts a smile on my face when I picture my grandfather in Heaven. He will finally be able to fish, to laugh, to run, and have NO PAIN! My God is so good and so faithful to those of us that love him!

I am wounded, broken, and beat up that I will no longer hear, "Hey, Sweetie Pie". There will be no soft cheeks to kiss. There will be no chest to bury my head in. I am CRYING for me. I am losing my mind over this for me. I am a creature of habit and one of my habits is going to be gone.

SO I think, if I can't handle the pain then box it up in the back of your heart and mind. Stay super busy so you don't have to process my way through this and I have been. I have been too busy to notice that the hurt is still there. That the hurt is still on my mind. That the anger isn't moving on. The longer I go without dealing with it the more God says, "this isnt' what I want for you, my child."

God reminded me today, when a friend at the office put a Cross made out of duct work on the top of our Christmas tree, that I still have hope, that He still cares, and that if I will be still He will handle my pain. He will walk my through these darkest days. And no I may not feel better today, tomorrow, or next year. But I will feel better. I will be able to grieve, process, and move forward.

You know, we are trying for a baby now. And I said last night to Brian, his name will be "Grady". Brian said pray about it. Well, as I look at that tree and I think about the baby we are trying to have. I realize that just as Carrie was my angel to get me through the only other painful death I've experienced., God will give me a blessing to help me cope. And his name just may be "Grady".  But regardless, my hope and my cure to this pain is God. My Savior just as he saved from my sins will save me from this pain. I rejoice that I still have hope.