Saturday, November 20, 2010

Catching my breath

Last night about 6pm my cell phone rang. It was my grandmother. The moment I saw her name on my caller id I knew that the reason for this call was to tell me what the doctors found in my Papa's recent MRI. For a moment I thought if I don't answer it, I won't know- I can prolong the inevitable but I didn't, I took her call.

As I listened to what the diagnosis was, I felt like the breath had be taken from me. I could feel my eyes filling with tears and my life crumbling around me. You see, my Papa is my hero. And I was hearing, "The cancer is in his hip bone and the upper bone of both legs." We talked for only a brief moment. I didn't want her to have to hear the tears that were falling.

I'm at such a loss for what to pray, how to function, and forcing myself to just keep going. For years, we have known that my grandfather was sick and that he was dying. But visit after visit and day after day we have overcome obstacle after obstacle. I think in my mind the struggle we've been fighting recently would be won. That we would overcome. But I feel now that the end of time is coming. Death is coming for him. Heaven is calling his beginning to call his name and he will rise when God calls his name. The pain is so real and so devasting.

Well, after sitting at my house alone for an hour, I went to be with him. I may not have any idea what to pray but I know my God loves me. And I know that he is right here in the midst of my circumstances. After visitng with other family who was also up there, I went to his bedside and I buried my face in his chest. I told him I was sad and that I was devastated but that I loved feeling this way because it meant I loved him so much and I wouldn't trade that for the world. He closed his eyes to keep from crying and just stayed that way for a little bit. We have a unique bond. Aaaahhh, I love him. And I knew God had brought me to his bedside so I could tell him just how I felt.

85 years. What a long and precious life. I hope when he gets to those pearly gates that he enters Heaven running. My tears will be flowing but I'm not crying for him. He is headed Home. I'm crying for me and how much I will miss him. I cherish the days we have left. And I am determined that those days will be good days.