Monday, November 8, 2010

It's okay... is sometimes so hard to say.

Brian and I are one of the host homes for our Adult Bible Fellowship Sunday School party so with that responsibility came a list of chores. Well, this weekend we did some things we don't normally do- organize the linen closet, wash the curtains, clean out the cabinets. Well, upon cleaning the pantry I found a HUGE tupperware container of birdseed left over from our wedding that I have been meaning to take to my grandparents. So I decided, I would run this birdseed to my Papa and Momar. Times like these, I fall so much more in love with Jesus. See to me, it was a quick errand to God it was an afternoon to change my life.

As I sat there, watching my Papa curled up in his bed (see he is dying of cancer but has been dying for about 5 years) so the scene of him in the fetal position is hard to see but one I've come to know. Well, he said "how much time do you have?" In my mind, I'm like well it really depends on how much time you need? Cause for him, I have all the time he ever neeeds.

He wanted me to drive my grandmother, Betty/ Momar, to see her brother who has been in the nursing home for years. (Getting out in public, was so not on the agenda. See I was wearing sweatpants, an Under Armour hoodie, and a HAT. I didn't look the part of going "visiting" on Sunday. But for 3 hours yesterday, I drove my grandmother to two different nursing homes visiting her brother in one home and her sister in law in another and various friends a long the way. She bragging on my heart the ENTIRE way. LOVE that woman! It was a blessing to be able to see all of these people. Some that had they died and I hadn't that I would have struggled with that for years. But God used my Papa's suggestion to bless me. God used these visits to show me that as hard as it is to watch my Papa it could be HARDER.

When, we got back to my grandparent's house. I kneeled on the floor beside my grandfather and snuggled my face into his body. I may be 31 years old but this man is MY PAPA and MY HERO. I wanted to be so close to him. (It reminded me of how when I'm hurting I bury my head in the chest of Jesus so he can hold me close.) We sat close for a little while. As I began to leave, I asked him if he needed anything. He said, "To feel better." My response was, "Papa, I think you have to go home for that."

Brian had been encouraging for YEARS to tell Papa that it was okay for him to go home. But I had never ever been in a place that I could say that. But I'm there now. It's a wonderful place to be in. I used to wonder how I would get out of bed if he were to die. Now, I think, through God and my friends and family I will survive.

It's okay if he goes... He has people waiting on him. And it's time for God to say "Welcome Home."

It's okay.... words that would have never came out of my mouth had Papa not thought I needed to take my Momar on a Sunday Afternoon drive. I can trace back the events in my life that got me to where I was yesterday and for THAT I am GRATEFUL.

God is good all the time no matter how much it hurts all along the way.

Precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death of one of his saints. Psalms 116:15