Thursday, April 21, 2011

Confessions...

So last night, I was standing in my kitchen cooking dinner and I asked Ryan for a hug. He comes running. (Have I said that the fact that my almost 9 year old will hug me without reservation is by far, in my opinion, my biggest parenting success to date. Never does he say "no" or "gross". He just hugs me.) As we are embraced in this squeeze, I kiss the top of his head and he says, "I love you so much, Momma." And THEN proceeds to kiss my belly and say, "Harper, I love you too."

My heart melted right there, on the spot. And for a brief moment I think, it will not even be possible for my heart to love this little girl as much as I love Ryan. HELLO, I shouldn't think these thoughts much less verbalize them for all the world to see. But it's my greatest fear!

Most of Ryan's life, I have been divorced from his father. While his father is a great Dad and involved, I have still done most of the work on my own. Ryan has medical needs that require frequent doctor visists and I have always done all of those and surgical planning alone (or with the help of my parents.) So our bond is tight. Ryan has been the constant in my life when everything else was going to hell in a handbasket.

So, things that I know will be different this pregnancy, are that I will be married to my husband for the rest of eternity. We will share a mansion in Heaven even if Brian says Heaven doesn't work that way. When I get to Heaven, will I care that I was wrong on how Heaven works? No. Brian gave me a book for our wedding, "The Family I always Wanted." And this family I will have.

But will I be as great a mom to Harper. When Harper is 9, will she hug me without hesitation. When I drop her off at school, will she kiss me while her friends are looking like Ryan will? Or will be shouting hate messages?

Oh man, it's going to be so different! I hope I still have these great parenting skills somewhere hidden deep inside me that I used on Ryan when he was a baby. Cause whatever I did in those early days resulted in one of the most well behaved, loveable kids I've ever seen!

Of course, I'll love Harper as much as I love Ryan. I'm just confessing some fear here. No need to get preachy.