Saturday, April 2, 2011

Grady Curtis Beck

My Papa went to be with our Savior yesterday. God, finally, called him home. God answered my prayer for this to happen quickly. I am so glad but I always knew this would be a difficult period of my life but a quote my brother made on Facebook sums it up, "It is as tough as I always knew it would be." There have been no surprises on the level of my pain but the pain is as real as I always knew it would be.

My grandfather, my Papa (although the other 7 grandchildren called him "Paw Paw") reminded me of life lessons every time I saw him- "be sweet", "remember who you are and whose you are", "remember, what I told you are my sweetie pie", "be as good to Brian as Betty has been to me".

He and my grandmother, Momar or Betty, celebrated 62 years this past September and Brian has always said even before he knew this magic number that he wanted us to have at least 62 years together. I believe if I heed to my grandfather's advice then as long as our bodies don't fail us we should have nothing short of 62 years.

Thursday night, something inside me said "don't leave. His time is short. But I had to go home. My pregnant body needed rest. I sobbed awhile sitting in "his" recliner next to his hospital bed, then I kissed him "goodbye", promised to be back shortly, and told him I loved him. He mumbled back "I love you too". I will, forever, cherish that the last words he said to me were "I love you". (I bet when I entered this world those were the first words he said too.)

When I left work yesterday, I saw my mom driving down Phillips Drive and I knew my biggest fear was now my reality. I rushed to meet Ryan and his Dad who were having lunch together at Ryan's school. Then, I headed to my grandmother's with Ryan. On the way there though, I told Brian I needed time with him so I will have to go by the funeral home to the morgue. But when I arrived at my grandparent's, my sweet sweet grandmother had not had hospice yet come to get his body. So I sat down by his hospital bed like I had done and fully expected a nice little "gotcha- April Fools" out of him because he was such a jokester. The 15 mins I sat by his side with my grandmother by my side is a time of my life I will cherish forever. It was special and perfect. I didnt want Ryan to see Papa but I saw him shortly after "sneaking" back to his room. My dad said "are you sure you want to go back". Yes, he did and I let him. Ryan said, I feel like I can hear him breathing. Me too, Ryan. And thus I could face my nightmare at another time.

We spent the day covering "business" and getting everything set for vistation on Saturday and the funeral on Sunday. It didn't start truly hitting me until late last night and I had to get out of his house. I needed to be with my boys, in my house, mourning our way. Granted, I have asked Brian a zillion times if this was just a bad dream. And he gently reminds me "no baby this is it".

This is it. This is the end of his story. He always liked my hair blonde so today, I will go back to being a blonde. We will host vistation tonight so those (the many) in our community who loved him too can come say their goodbyes. We will bury him tomorrow. And I will take time for me next week and I will learn to live without him.

With Hope Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope