Friday, June 10, 2011

Pregnancy Highlights 25 weeks and 1 day...

Back in January, when we had our very first positive pregnancy test, I used to celebrate every single day of still being pregnant. Having suffered the loss of a miscarriage I knew I did not want to experience that type of loss ever again. But as we progressed so positively in the pregnancy, I felt like I could breathe a little easier and truly allow myself to enjoy the pregnancy without so much stinkin' worry.

Well, yesterday a phone call changed everything. My fetal fibronectin test came back positive. This test checks for a protein that if present could be an indicator of the chance to go in to pre term labor. I celebrate that the odds are 16% in the first couple weeks following the test then those odds go to 4%. Nonetheless, I am scared. Harper Elise, as we have beautifully named her, is already a person to me. I love her. I have sorted through countless loads of clothes of hers, I have pictured life with our amazing addition, and the thought of preterm labor at this point in the pregnancy scares me. My doctor put me on bed rest immediately. Saying,  "Your baby's best chance of survival and staying put is you getting off your feet." (So bed rest until at minimum June 30 my next OB appt. We see our specialist next week too though.)  

After the phone call from my nurse, I started praying and crying. I went to my Mom's office because I wanted my Mom. And a few short hours later, my doorbell rang. My Daddy had come to check on his little girl. And I thought then, I could so see Brian doing this with Harper in 30 years. Both my parents held me until the tears stopped assuring me that God had this. When Brian walked through the door after work, we hit our knees together and cried some more.

I started flipping through my Bible looking for scripture I had not seen before that I could cling to at this time. I am claiming-

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.”
John 14:27

Peace. I could use a major dose of God's peace. Peace that surpasses all of my understanding. Peace that as I fear the worst can comfort the sea of raging emotions. I told my Momar before I even had this phone call that I was my missing my Papa because he could tell me everything I was facing (Ryan's surgery, my mom's nuclear stress test, financial concerns) was fine. Yesterday afternoon we had a lot of thunder here, no rain. And now as I sit here so early in the morning, I am reminded how all my Papa wanted in Heaven for work was to help make it rain. Maybe, just maybe, that thunder was Papa telling me "Sweetie Pie, it's all going to be okay."

I can't control the circumstances that surround me these days. I can only follow doctors orders. So I'll do what I'm told. No work just rest. And I will pray for my daughter. I will pray for healing right now and for her survival. But as my Dad said yesterday, even if the worse happens and she comes early, GOD IS IN CONTROL.

If you stumble upon this blog post- say a prayer. Celebrate with me that (today, June 10) we are still pregnant. I have 15 weeks until my due date. We need our Lil Cupcake to continue baking. 

Dear Heavenly Father,

I need a major dose of Your peace right now. I am scared and uncertain. I am a planner and this, Lord, doesn't allow for a plan. I trust your hand to guide me and to be upon Baby Harper. I pray for her protection. I know you are the Great Physician. I pray that you will guide my doctors as they create a plan to manage my care. I pray for Brian. I pray that our finances don't burden us and that we are able to find joy in our circumstances. Thanks for the thunder yesterday.

I love you Lord.