Sunday, July 24, 2011

It's a Girl....

In the beginning of our pregnancy, we had some false "It's a boy" ultrasounds. We prepared for our boy down to the pirate themed nursery. We changed his name daily and day dreamed of what life with two boys would be like. We were so excited!

Then..... I had to spend some time in the hospital for asthma and the ultrasound tech there said "it's a girl". Hmmm. I was like, "Whatever she doesn't know."

The next week's ultrasound at our doctor's office, "It's a girl!" I was beginning to grow confused.

On March 29th, our specialist confirmed- IT IS A GIRL! I was so excited. Brian was excited. Even Ryan was pumped! We began changing our plans.

That night, I went to sit by my Papa's side. He had fallen the day before and was at home in recovery (actually dying). He could communicate a little bit if you could get him through the fog of all of the medicine he was on. I told him I was having a girl and he smiled. Yet, I wasn't sure if he really heard me. It became my mission as we realized on Wednesday that his hours were numbered. That night, he and I were able to have a good conversation and I asked, "Did you hear me?" "Yes Sweetie Pie. You're having a girl."

Two days later, April 1, he went home to be with the Lord. Of the past 114 days that he has been gone there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. There is nothing I could have done to stop the cancer or in his last days to have said "goodbye" any differently. Yet, simply, he is gone.

When we were planning his funeral, I needed to find this military certificate so I was digging through his wallet. The only picture in it was of he and Ryan on the day Ryan was born. I cried. I remember that moment and I cried because my Harper will never know the love of her great grandfather.

For months, planning a nursery seemed like the most daunting task. I had buried my grandfather which took so much energy to not lose my mind. So there was no energy left for anything else. Then when I finally had the energy and the courage to MOVE ON, I was on bed rest. We are here 9 weeks away and until yesterday there was NOTHING in Harper's room.

Finally, Brian and I came up with a design. Shabby chic. We moved in furniture that I have owned for awhile yet it has been in storage. We also moved in the rocker that I used to rock Ryan night after night. After the move, I found myself sitting in the rocker. Brian came in her room to talk logistics about furniture placement and saw a tear streaming down my face. He said "what's wrong?"

"She will never know my Papa."

I know that the tears over this aren't over. Yet, I have HOPE. This is not the end. Harper may not know him here but she will know him through our stories, laughter, and tears. And when she walks through those Pearly Gates one day, Papa will be there to be her guide. I have no doubt.