Sunday, September 2, 2012

Am I a good mother?

I don't really say too often about what we are going through with Harper but just let me say this... when someone told me today that "You should get Harper crawling b/c all she will do is lay there and kick"  it was all I could do not to go off on this lady. I mean I am pretty much overly confident in my ability to be a good mother and this comment made me doubt!

For those of you who don't know, Harper has a low muscle tone issue on her right side. Her peers mastering things like walking, crawling, and even rolling over have almost always had me in tears. I cannot tell you the times a text or facebook post of a friend's child being able to do something has had me sobbing with my best friend. or my husband. I am certain that Alison and Brian are tired of wiping my tears away!  I have a very hard time knowing Harper's peers can do age appropriate things and she is stuck. It completely and totally sucks.

We are doing our best to teach Harper and I don't need anyone questioning my parenting abilities. But today, someone pointed out the obvious. I am continually encouraged by the sweet ladies, Debbie and Lynn, who care for Harper each Wednesday and Sunday. I don't know that know our struggle but they always speak hope to me. However, today, someone else cared for Harper and she spoke defeat to me. Harper can't do most gross motor skills. I didn't need someone reminding me. I live this.

My Cupcake, however,  is perfect. God gave me her at a time when I needed something to be excited about. She came along in time for me to tell my Papa I was having a girl and Harper is helping me heal from his loss. On days when I still miss his sweet voice and long to hold his hand, she reminds me that life goes on. By the grace of God, Harper is teaching me to keep going.

I cherish everything about her (and Ryan). When she was evaluated by Babies Can't Wait she was 3-4 months delayed in gross motor skills and 3-4 months ahead in all other areas. Dr. Young says she may not be the best dancer or the best athelete but she will do everything in her time.  I have never felt like I should wear this diagnosis on my sleeves. I have never felt compelled until today to announce to the world that Harper has low muscle tone and that she can't do x,y, or z. I have honestly felt like when Harper is 10 or getting married it will not matter that she didn't do _______ when she should have.

When I was told the above comment though, I was in tears. I was sobbing by the time I got in my car. I felt like I failed Harper. It takes a lot to make me doubt my parenting abilities. Did I fail her? Am I good mother? Did I spend too much time focused on my grief? No, I didn't. I fully believe God knew Harper was our last. He knew I needed more snuggles. More laughs. More standing still moments. So Harper can't crawl, stand, or walk. So? What's your freakin point?

For the record, the next person who points out that she should be crawling will wake the beast. You might want to spread the word. Old or young, the next person to make me question my ability as a mom will hear it. It won't be pretty but I'll enjoy it. I always enjoy making my point. Even if I have to say I'm sorry afterwards.