Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Delayed Darlings...

I belong to an online community within BabyCenter called Delayed Darlings. It's a place where Moms can post the "ins and outs" of life with a child who is delayed. Many, many, many Mommas in this group have children who are far worse off than we are. I'd say we are about average as far as Harper's needs.

But I LOVE this group. I can go there and I can express my frustrations, my concerns, and my joys to Moms who get it. As I type this blog post, I'm sobbing. I hear every single day, "She will walk." "She's not that behind." "She has good strength." "As soon as she walks, you 'll complain about it."

I know these friends, family members, and strangers mean well. No one could ever possibly want another Momma to hurt this much. But y'all it hurts. I watch my girl crawl like a monkey and I wonder "Why?"

When I hear : "She will walk."
I think: "Will she?"
When I hear: "She's not that far behind?"
I think: "At 13 months old, her mattress in her bed is still on the highest setting."
When I hear: "She has good strength."
I think: "Then why can't she stand."
When I hear: " As soon as she walks, you'll complain about it."
I think: "Probably but I also hope I remember how it felt laying in the floor crying to God to give me strength and to heal her. I hope I remember what it felt like when Dr. Young said "She'll be 2 before she does what she should've done by 1." I hope I don't complain because I want her to sit up, walk, run, climb!"

Yes, today, I'm having a pity party. Today, I feel like I failed her. I question every decision I ever made for her. Should I have swaddled her? Should I have held her so much? Should I have let her be a belly sleeper? Should I have called Dr. Young every single day when my Momma instincts had kicked in and told me something was wrong?

Satan will beat you up with the should haves? You know that right? (I'm asking myself this question!) These are some verses that I cling too:

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Matthew 11:28
Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest.
Ephesians 6:10-17
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the <!– google_ad_section_start(weight=ignore) –>spiritual <!– google_ad_section_end –>forces of<!– google_ad_section_start(weight=ignore) –> evil <!– google_ad_section_end –>in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of<!– google_ad_section_start(weight=ignore) –> evil <!– google_ad_section_end –>comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of <!– google_ad_section_start(weight=ignore) –>peace<!– google_ad_section_end –>. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the<!– google_ad_section_start(weight=ignore) –> evil <!– google_ad_section_end –>one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
2 Thessalonians 3:3
But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and<!– google_ad_section_start(weight=ignore) –> protect <!– google_ad_section_end –>you from the<!– google_ad_section_start(weight=ignore) –> evil <!– google_ad_section_end –>one. 
If I didn't believe in the God, I would run away from this. But I do believe. I do believe he CHOSE me to be Harper's Mom. I believe he chose me to be Ryan's Mom. I didn't ask for two children with special care needs but He gave that to me. I remind myself daily that these two are created in His image and so am I.
When I am sad, mad, angry I try to pray. Sometimes I just sit there like "God, what in the world is happening?" He gets it. It's okay.
Truth is I don't know that Harper will walk and neither do all of these people saying she will. The only TRUTH I know is that God will carry me when I don't feel like walking and he will calm my heart. The rest, only time will tell.