Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Good Morning, Sunshine!

Last night, after Brian put Harper down for bed, she started crying. I can let my children "cry it out" with endurance like no other mother can but it was tugging at my heart. I went to her immediately. I grabbed her out of her crib and we rocked. I tried to sing to her but my asthma attack from the other night was making it difficult to get enough air to sing but I sang as best I could. Then I cried.

All last week, I had a cold and over the weekend, I felt like I could not catch my breath.

On Sunday, July 7, I had the worst asthma attack I have ever had and it escalated quickly. I woke from a nap with a catch in my lungs. They weren't expanding like they are supposed to and I wasn't taking in air like I am supposed to be able. I did a nebulizer treatment. I did another treatment. I sucked on my rescue inhaler begging to be able to breathe. Then I started coughing. Most asthmatics wheeze. I cough then I start throwing up. If I ever start this combo of coughing/ throwing up it can be difficult to stop. I text my Mom (who has asthma) and my best friend, Alison to PRAY and my Mom started coaching me to relax. I took a bath and I drank something hot. After the bath, my breathing was heavily labored. (Brian was playing defense with Harper downstairs to keep her from seeing her Momma in this condition.) I did another neubulizer treatment and again another. Again, I sucked on my inhaler. I laid in the floor. I sat up. I prayed. I did everything I could. At this point, my body desperately wanted to pass out. I laid down on my bed and I heard as audible as if he had been in my room in the flesh Jesus said, "If you close your eyes, you will come to me." I was going to go unconscious. I was going to die. I am not saying that I feel like dying and folks, I tell you that I felt like I was dying and my God had just said that if I didn't act I would. In a flash, I saw my life quickly before me. My heart immediately thought of that red headed blue eyed babe, I call husband and how he wouldn't ever make it without me. Then Ryan, I knew he'd remember me but I had LIFE left to live with him. He would never have a pallet on the floor by his Momma. There'd be no more running for chocolate. Then Harper, she'd never remember me. She would never know I was her Mommy. She would never remember how I sang the Old Rugged Cross and Amazing Grace to her. And then I remembered last summer, at the height of my depression from the death of my grandfather a year earlier and the developmental delays, if this had been last summer, I would have closed my eyes and met Jesus. But on Sunday, I felt like God gave me a choice- Continue living your life cause I'm not finished with you or come home. I'm not afraid to die. I know my place in eternity. Yet, having more to do I called out to Brian to "CALL 911!" At first, he thought I was joking then he realized quickly upon seeing me that this was no joke. I was in bad shape. 

Upon the arrival of EMS, my vitals were to weak to register. My blood pressure and my heart rate could be FOUND but were too low to register. The fireman were here first, they started working on me immediately. Oxygen was placed on my face and I started to breath.Once I was in the ambulance, I had an EKG, 2 shots, a breathing treatment. For over an hour and a half, I had not spoken a sentence except "Call 911!" I'm personally not a fan of Cartersville Medical but when I got there on Sunday, the staff was waiting for me. They were ready to get to work. I was given more steroids, more fluid, more breathing treatments. I was able to breathe. 

I cried last night because I was here to rock my girl. I was here to sing, in my weakness, to sing songs about our Savior to my girl. I cried cause I can spend "62 years" with Brian. I cried because I can help Ryan chase his dream of being a NBA star. Then I sobbed. I've got a life left to live. I've got a song to sing, a testimony to share, and a God to serve. I wasn't going to blog about this. I wasn't going to share my story. But I'm afraid if I don't, I'll forget. You may not believe God spoke to me on Sunday and that's okay. It doesn't matter to me if I'm believed. I was there. I know it happened. I know that today instead of watching Mickey, I could be strolling streets of gold. I told the EMS team that I had felt like I was going to meet Jesus and one of the guys responded "I would have gone!" and I said, "I'll go to Heaven one day but today I've got life left to live."