Thursday, March 6, 2014

This is My Story

I have fought my entire life to be strong. I never wanted to need a man. I never wanted to need anyone. I wanted to be able to meet my financial needs, emotional needs, physical needs, and all my wants ALL BY MYSELF.

My selfish life view and my desire to be my own person ruined my first marriage. Did I care that I was divorced? No, I didn't care AT ALL. You see, I did not need a man. I had a very successful career in retail management and I could provide a life for myself that others dreamed about. I could provide for Ryan in ways that a lot of two working parents could not.

On the nights and weekends when I had Ryan, I was mom of the year. Soccer games, baseball games, shopping, playing games. He wanted to do it and we did it. I was the greatest Mom (ha!). When I didn't have Ryan, I was running hard core into whatever the World could offer me at that time. Alcohol. Relationships. Relationships that now make my skin literally crawl. Nice cars. Nice clothes. Nice handbags. Eating out all the time. Bars. Dancing. Staying out until all hours of the night and showing up to work a hot mess.

As I was living for the world, do you know what was happening? Someone was praying for me. God was chasing me. I had been raised in church. I knew what the Bible said about my life. I knew to keep this worldly life hidden from my family to not cause them embarrassment. I also thought what was done in the dark would not come to light.

"There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known." 
Luke 12:2

While I would be out living for the world, I would feel a nudge at my heart. A voice would say, "This is not right." You see, I thought I had been saved at the age of 6. So I thought however I lived my life as an adult really didn't matter because it had been engrained in my mind that salvation cannot be lost. 

That's true salvation. My experience at age 6 was not a genuine conversion. 

I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.
John 10:28

As I ran, harder and harder into the world, God came after me harder and harder. My life started to change. My worldly living slowed down immensely. I started going to church regularly. I started searching. I wanted to quiet the voices raging in my heart and mind. I started slowing down. 

I started asking God about my salvation. I knew that I did not have a relationship with Jesus but He revealed to me that I also never had a conversion experience. I was not saved. I didn't want to nail my salvation down because I would be embarrassed. I didn't want to admit that the experience I had at age six was lie. I no longer wanted to live for the world but Satan was also filling my head with so much doubt. Satan told me that no one would be supportive. Satan told me that I'd be embarrassing my family. (Nothing Satan said ever happened.) Salvation happened to children not to adults. I had led my son to the Lord a few years prior to this but I wasn't able to "fix" this. 

The truth of the matter is that the Lord had been fighting a YEARS long battle for my soul. A battle that the Lord was soon going to win. On a cold day in February of 2007, our church suffered the death of two precious saints in the mission field. That night, our church sanctuary opened for those who wanted to come in and pray. I met my Mom there. As we sat alone, I told her I was unsure of my salvation. She said to me, "Well, figure it out." She left me there in that sanctuary, all by myself. I was still. Like the above verse says, the Lord will fight for you, you need only be still. The Lord fought for me, the Lord stilled me, and the Lord saved me. That night, I found salvation. I sought forgiveness of my sins, I begged him to save me, and I turned from all the wickedness that my life had known. I walked out of that sanctuary changed. I'm not saying the lives sacrificed that day were sacrificed for my salvation. I am saying their death provided me an opportunity to be still. 

You know what happened to that girl who never needed a man? I did need a man. I needed and I need a Savior. I found that.  I need a relationship with God. I have that. I am so dependent on the Lord that I spend a good part of my day in His word. You know what happened to the girl running in the world? God brought her to the man of her dreams. In the fall of 2007, I found another man I couldn't live without. My husband, Brian. Together we chase hard after the Lord. My priorities are different, I traded my career for diapers and car pool. We don't have the financial security I once had but we have peace. We have priorities that have eternal value. I love my story. My testimony. God turned my mess into His message. 

If you don't know the Lord as your savior then "be still" and give your life to Him. It will be the greatest experience of your life. It will be worth it even when it isn't always easy.